What are friends for if they are never there for you? I assumed that people had my back but i guess they dont because a majority of them want me to serve them so much and when i ask just for their presence, they give me some lame ass excuse, which is getting pretty tiring. Am I annoying or something? Why would you agree to make plans with me and then cancel last minute, so you can chill with someone else. I have never in my life done that to someone else. But I guess people are just grimey like that. Its okay though. I finally realize who my real friends are: CAMILLE & KAREN. Everybody else is a fraud. But whatever man.. I really don't care anymore. I just want to shake all the drama off for junior yr. I dont need negative people or influences in my life. I dont need ass kissers and people who use you and other bullshit. I dont need those ultra sensative contradicting emo friends who say that ur their best buddy and ask for you all the time but when its time for them to see you they make some dramatic escuse and cry you a river about how miserable their life is (SAVE IT FOR OPRAH). People just need to fucking grow up, myself included. When I think about it, this alone time is acually pretty good ebcause now, I see things a little clear. I go back to school in 1 month. I hope by then i can fully move on from whatever im stuck to.

SO IF YOU EVER HAD HURT ME OR USED ME OR FUCKED WITH MY HEAD THESE PAST YRS.. BE PREPARED TO GET SHOOKEN OFF. I DONT NEED PEOPLE YOU IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.

:::DIVA SNAP:::

whatever....
Mood:  sharp
Now Playing: Monica - After the Storm
Today I woke up with this whatevr, fuck you feeling. Its acually very relieving. It means that I'm on my way to move on from past drama so kudos for me. :)
so other than that

WHATEVER... FUCK THIS ... FUCK THAT .. FUCK YOU .... I'M MOVING ON .. GONNA DO ME FROM THIS POINT ON.. FORGET ABOUT CHU AND YOUR NO GOOD SORRY ASS.. DISEASE CATCHING MOTHERFUCKER :)

I wonder hows my year gonna be .. hmmm ?? Centrals gonna suck major ass. It lost MAJOR kudo points ever since the seniors this year (o5) graduated. The current seniors (o6) most of them are filled with lies, contradictions, and all that nasty stuff... and MY CLASS.. ughh.... shit is more phony than them handbags they sell in chinatown.

JUST ONE OF THEM DAYS
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: MARY J BLIGE - WHATS THE 411
Have you ever had one of those days, where that you woke up in a bad mood ebcause of a bad dream? And this dream usually consists of bullshit that happened in the past that you tried very hard to forget? Thats exactly how I feel right now. Like, I can just tell that this is gonna be a VERY FRUSTRATING day. And its ironic by the fact that my horoscope tells me that I need to chill-out today. But i dont feel like chilling out right now. I feel like shanking somebody's ass. I feel so sad right now -- acually no.. kim just really angry and bitter.. because i know that if i didn't put myself in the position that i did, then i wouldnt be in this predicament right now. all i know is is that i have to let go of some people when i get back to school. and even though it hurts because these people were my "friends", i have to because i would have never thought they would PLAY me like this . IM VERY INSULTED RIGHT NOW. And iots really time for me to move the fuck on from all this drama bullshit. Im tired of dealing with these skanky, snake-ass, overly dramatic, and over-rated motherfuckers.

(PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS IS THE WATER DOWNED VERSION OF THIS POST. I HAD WRITTEN ANOTHER ENTRY B4 BUT THE GODDAMN SYSTEM WANTED TO BE A CUNT AND DIDNT WANNA POST MY FUCKING ENTRY )

Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: kill - jimmy eat world // twist it - olivia
hey guys... lifes been okay i guess. I have no life so i really haven't done anything lately. I have no mode of transporation so i cant travel anywhere "far". My parent's definition of "far" is like, anywhere thats not the north end of Bridegport. They think that if i go anywhere far then imma get myself killed. PLEASE. my sister is the one whos gonna get herself killed. a dog as more street smarts than her ass. plus ever since the gay prom incident, the motherfuckers have been watching my every move and i cant do shit without them questioning me. julie can get away with shit ebcause all she has to say is that "im working". they dont wanna hurt her feelings cause she puts up this act that shes ultra sensative because she knows that it can get her whatever she wants. basically shes a pathilogical liar. and i wont ever believe her... unless i want something of course. My lips hurt for some strange reason. Im feeling very nauseous lately. i feel lazy and tired, like i have a hangover that wont go away. sometimes my eyes hurt or water out of nowhere, and i get dizzy. basically im just unhealthy. BLAH. see what non-movement and depression can do to your ass?? it can ruin your once-wonderfully scuplted figure. i feel so unloved. no one ever calls me. i guess its because i changed my number so many times (lol) that no one knows which number to dial. oh well. i only have like 3 real friends anyways. everyone else is FAKE. oh yeah... i think i need a RELATIONSHIP. why cant i be like every other gay guy and WHORE myself around BPT?? Life would be so much more easier because i'll have like a new fuck [boyfriend] every week. my father is thinks that i am offically looney now. he thinks that i should see another shrink. i like my current shrink. he's my homey. well i had to dye my hair back to a natural color [ j.lo brown :( ]because my mom wouldn't SHUT THE FUCK UP about how HORRIBLE and GREASY and JAPANESE [??? im still wodnering too...] i look with sunny delight yellow colored hair. well at least i look more ethnic now [lol]. well i have my old [technically new but just got turned on because of my dad and his dirty legal actions with the law].. 414-8878... so call a brother up you fuckers!!! and with that.. i am OUT!

Mood:  irritated
UGHH!! DONT YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN YOUR PARENTS COME IN YOUR ROOM AND BE ALL NOSEY???? I HATE THIS VACATION. IT SUCKS MAJOR ASS

all i have... [for now]
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: random mixes from ipod
well the folks are home on vacation for the whole week so i guess that means that i'll have to be more careful with the shit i do. i really need to start working on my summer homework. I've only read two books out of five so far and august is nearing like a motherfucker. plus i have to write to essays and fill out three organizers/story sheets. i really want to do good junior year. i fucked up so badly sophmore eyar. i let my feelings get over me and fuck up my education with school. junior year is VERY IMPORTANT because colleegs look at these grades and it depends whether or not you can get into a good one and how much financial support and scholarships you can recieve. Right now i'm thinking about going to columbia or fordum. anyways, life sucks like it always does for me. this has to be the most boring summer ever. and plus i keep being compulsive over *you know who*. its sickens me sometimes, really. and these cronic headaches aren't helping either. i wonder what poor excuse im going to give my shrink once i see him again in the fall. he keeps pressuring me to get my fam. to see therepy. but that is quite impossible. my family, myself incldued, is too selfish to discuss are problems to some doctor. we can even talk to ourselves, let alone someone else, who would want us to expose our deepest and darkest secrets. I dont have any secrets. all i have is that im gay and that my sister has a major attitude problem and my dad is psycho, and my mother is just something else. personally i dont think i need his help with my family. I NEED HELP WITH MYSELF OKAY!! maybe im just trying to seek some attention? either way i just want him to concentrate on me and only me, otherwise imma fuck this therepy shit. my friends would certainly be happy about this. they already went 7:30/tom cruise on my ass for even signing up before. well i TRIED to bleach my hair yesturday. I wanted it to be BLOND but since my hair is wayyy to dark for any bleach, it came out like this crazy orange color. BOO. what i really need now is a car, which i already have when i learn how to drive it. but its a piece of SHIT though. I really hope my dad sells the fam's vacation unit. If we do, then he's gonna buy me a new car. did i tell you i failed my permit test? i got like 6/10 correct. i failed the first 4. damn. well i have nothing to write anymore. so imma just end this entry and swallow a razor blade.

have a nice day y'all

This time...
Now Playing: sidewalks -- story of the year
I seriously don't think journal-blogging websites like me. Everytime I make one they always seem to fuck me over by deleting my posts or messing up my settings so I can't post in them. But my life really isn't important anyways. When I really think about it, I really haven't amounted into much of anything these past years. I guess its because I rather roll with the punches instead of acually doing something. Sometimes I feel like the most useless person in the world. All I do is sit around all day. Stare at the ceiling, awaiting for something to come around while my miserable life passes by day after day. I hate the person that I've become - passive, possesive, jealous, insecure. And I sit around in a shrink's office all day telling the goddamn fucker how I wish things could be and should be and how I miss my old self, the self that I know in which will enver ever come back. I hate the fact that now I have cronic heeadaches periodically because of all the shit I've been going through, shit in which isn't so dramatic but I make it out to be. I hate the fact that I'm a hypocrit, because i am a homosexual yet bash the GBLT community, because I always feel that they screw me over, when really, REALLY, only ONE person has. This person, whom which, made me feel numb as fuck,make me feel nausiated when i think about him, whom has made me lose hope in possibly everything because of the fact that i am so fucking pitful of thinking that I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIM or that ONE DAY WE'LL BE TOGETHER. Ugh... why can't I just be like every gay fucker and whore myself around with no emotions? I must be an abnormal gay person then! Yet its funny though. Its really funny how gay people say that they feel alone and isolated ALL THE TIME, yet their TOO AFRAID to COMMIT SOMEONE or GIVE THEIR HEART AWAY. whatever. I don't care anymore. Im sick and tired of gay and bisexual people, because 98% of them are full of lies, and contridictions. Imma go hang out with my STRAIGHT friends now. Goodbye and goodnight!